When many Musims today hear that marriage is half of their deen, they somehow instead hear that “marriage is half of their happiness.” This leads to the unrealistic expectation that somehow a spouse is the key to unlocking all the joys of life. But if Muslims paid more attention to the word deen, they would realize that marriage is actually half of their Islam, and therefore, it must be a heavy responsibility that is filled with challenges and hard work. While there is certainly joy to be found in a good marriage, self-gratification is not the main purpose of marriage. Again, self-gratification is not the main purpose of marriage. 

Now, it’s true that a good marriage comes with the benefits of support, intimacy, vulnerability, love, and sex. Like the Quran says, there is Muwadda and Rahma in marriage, or deep love and mercy. But despite all of these joys, marriage is not meant to be a place free from pain, struggle, or challenges. In fact, it is the opposite. Marriage is actually meant to bring with it a whole range of problems that you and your spouse are supposed to overcome together.

Imam Malik reported:
The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “I have been sent to perfect good character.” Source: al-Muwatta’ 1614

A smart couple who understands the reality of marriage will not waste their time trying to exploit each other for all of their own desires (if taken to the extreme, this becomes a toxic/abusive relationship). No, instead a smart and morally upright couple will unify and use the marriage as a place for their character development, and this is what "half of my deen" actually means. Marriage is half of your character development. It is where you will develop the most intimate parts of yourself and where half of your gratitude to Allah will be tested. The other half of your deen is how you deal with the world outside of your family. 

Now, it is part of Allah’s beautiful design that men and women see the world differently. These differences in perspectives are meant to create conflict that lead men and women to trigger each other. In this process of triggering one another, both husband and wife are able to become aware of their character flaws and insecurities so that they can overcome them. Through the commitment of marriage, both husband and wife promise that neither will leave the relationship because of personal flaws so long as they are working on them. In fact, rather than leave, they will do the inner work together and support each other's growth.

However, if two people get married with the wrong mindset (the mindset of self-gratification), they will not find any Muwadda and Rahma. Instead, they will only find misery and heartache as the marriage falls apart - this is why divorce is on the rise. The happiness found in marriage is not a guarantee, but a goal that can only be achieved by perfecting our Islam (our devotion to Allah and our character development), which is a lifelong project. So if your marriage does not help you grow into a bigger and better person, then you are doing it wrong.

Do not mistake marriage for paradise because there is no paradise in the Dunya. 

As the Quran says, “Indeed, we have created humankind in a state of constant struggle.”  Quran | 90:4 | Surah Al-Balad

Everything in our life on Earth exists to help us develop our character and to test our commitment to Islamic principles - that is the purpose of the Dunya. Marriage, while both beautiful and necessary for a fulfilling life, is not exempt from this truth. This is the proper and realistic understanding of what “half of your deen" actually means. Your character and your principles as a Muslim are meant to be developed and tested within your marriage.

May Allah guide us out of our delusional thinking, protect us from arrogance, and give us the courage and strength to live up to our Creator’s expectations. Ameen.